all i can say is...wow

i looked over and practiced my new piano and voice peices tonight for the first time this trimester
...i am in love with them all...
even my piano ones..
and i dont even know why.

i love the way music is such a personal experience..communication...relationship...

when i go to a well done performance, regardless of the genre...i can feel the music running throughout my body. from the time the first note is played untill the final resolution...i am a part of the music, the player, the composer, the instrument.
sometimes i get so wrapped up in it like a warm blanket, that i dont even want to get up and leave when the show is over. i clap as hard as i can hoping that the artist will come out and paint me yet another picture...take me on another journey...show me another emotion.

as an audience i am VERY selfish. i take on the mindset that the performer is putting all that they have into the song specificaly for me. i feel like i am enjoying the music more than anyone else attending, that i am more into it, more in touch with the emotion of the music, more..worthy of hearing it..than anyone else around me. i get so into it that i can forget that anyone else is there. i feel like if the performer looked into the audience i am the only face they would see, and they'd see me and be inspired to take me on a beautiful musical journey.

then the music stops, and i am reminded that i mean almost nothing to the performer usualy, and that i was just another number..perhaps attending out of duty or for the reception afterwards (and the fact that after many recitals there is food adds to my selfish feelings)

although at fist this seems like i am only refering to clasical cultered music, i'm not. i get the same rush from attending a Further Seems Forever or Thirdday concert as i do from hearing Dr. Forbat playing Chopin and Ravel. musicians inspire me to furthur my gift. God gave me what i have and i should fall in love with useing it. i should be excited to have the ability to read, remember, understand, and produce music.

this has been the most inspireing first week of a trimester that i have ever experienced. going to concerts so much last week, and Dr Forbat's recital monday night, and everyone (except me) getting ready to go to NATS tomorrow, and hearing Samantha work with Stephanie tonight, and Emily, steph, Sam, and i standing around the stage talking about the gift of music...it's been exhilerating realy.

i realy now wish i had had the courage to sign up for NATS because if i go next year it most likely will be out of town, and i'll be competeing against juniors by then...at my first vocal competition? the reason i didn't sign up was because i was scared and i have always said i dont like competition. well, i dont like it because i never expose myself to competition. i LOVE singing and i could use the experience.
*kicks herself for not being brave*

so what i'm saying is...i am in love with music..and i want to show that..and through my commitment and endourance to become better, i will be honoring and glorifying God because He gave me this and put me here to do that. i dont want to waste my...HIS time. i dont want to waste this gift. i want to honor Him with a sacrifice of my time, my comfort, and my will...to become the singer He enabled me to be from day one.